Nicole

02:53 pm: its always so interesting to re-read journals and see how your live has gone in whatever period of time... While re-reading all of my entries on here, I can still picture myself in that time in my life, and I can remember what my different hopes were. Like right before summer vacation.. I was so excited to have a break. and yet all I did was work all summer. I was hoping to have time to hang out with my friends, but I didn't do that... I worked. Its interesting to see that all I've been up to for the past two years or so is "lots of work and school" with various stupid boy drama...

Its like I don't have a life anymore. These past years have gone by so quickly, and all I did was make the time go by faster because I didn't slow down at all - I just keep going faster. I'm a machine. Hehehe.. But all I've succeeded in doing is ostracizing myself from friends and potential friends. And then I complain that I'm lonely, or I don't really have anyone close to me. I have enough people who sing my praises, and yet I'm all alone at the end of the day, without friends to call or anyone to really comfort me. I have friends, of course.. but no one really close to me anymore. And then I try to get in contact with people and I can't ever reach them, or they don't have time, or I mask the things that are bothering me because I don't want to call them just to vent.. So instead i push everything that's on my mind away. Its not like its serious things, I tell myself. everything could be a lot worse. its a learning experience . And as soon as someone does give me the truly empathetic look when I'm talking about what's going on in my life, I immediately start laughing about it because I don't want to break down in front of anyone and I'm afraid that if I accept their sympathy then I will break down. I feel so fragile right now and I can't move on from certain demons from in the past. If I dont laugh things off and joke around, then I think I would be more of a mess.

And I really hope that they don't find my car, because if they do, and I have to see my car not as complete as it was before, then that really will break me. I won't be able to deal well with that.

06:23 pm: So i still work all the time... School is going well. I had two big tests today, and right now i have an hour to write a thousand word essay.. I haven't started yet. I hate having night classes - they suck balls.

I got in to SF state yesterday!!! So I start in the spring. I think I found a roommate, which is cool.. There's this guy in my business class who lives with his girlfriend and two other girls.. and one of the girls might be leaving. I gave up on living with Nykki...

My car was stolen yesterday.. ~_~

Hmm.. yeah that's the most recent things I suppose.

Gotta try to do that essay now.. ;)

Oh, and no more espresso for me for a couple days!!! This shit messes with me so much!!

11:53 pm: La de da... I'm procrastinating!
Yes yes.. I should be finishing up my biology lab, but I'm not =)

Hmm.. lets sum up my life recently. Aside from lots and lots of work and lots of school in there, too...
I got scammed by a scam artist. That sucks.. I'm out like $650! He scammed me by check fraud, that A-hole. I'm gonna be in a wedding next weekend - I'm a bridesmaid! I've never been a bridesmaid =) I'm totally excited. But I'm hitting the gym hard core so I fit in the dress (and also so I don't become "gorda" like I tell all my latino buddies at work). Other than that, I've been kinda lonely, which makes me extremely affectionate with, like, every single guy i know - especially the ones that are good friends or are dear to my heart. But I'm not attracted to anyone right now, which makes me sad... The guy that I liked before just kinda keeps fucking with my head, and I don't wanna tolerate that anymore.

Hmm.. Hermes is an alcoholic now - look what I did to him!! (just kidding). but yeah.. I ran into him at the gym tonight, and he told me that he's pretty much just drunk all day long every day. ~_~ *sigh* Not my responsibility anymore though, so I'm not going to worry about it.

05:13 pm: An Important Lesson...
Something that I have learned three-fold recently... Not everyone is like me. Not everyone thinks the way that I do. Not everyone has the same morals and ethics that I do. All in all, not everyone is like me...

10:57 pm: I like a boy!!!
That's about it. =) I really like him... And so far it seems mutual.

That's all. :-D

09:49 pm: I have such weird experiences with guys...

Last friday night I went out on this quasi date with this guy. I didn't really like him too much, but i figured I'd give him a shot because he was a nice guy and he liked me well enough. Anyway, I met up with him where he works and we left to go to a bar to play pool. We leave there later on and he's dropping me off at my car and we're still sitting in his car when he starts telling me about his ex-girlfriend and all their drama, right? And then his phone will not stop vibrating, but he won't pick it up. And then this woman in a car drives by and stops right next to his car and she starts talking to him in spanish. then she looks at me and asks me what i'm doing there. then she comes around to my side of the car, opens the door, and says, "He is my husband! Get out! .... Didn't you hear me? I said get out, he's my husband!"

So I get out of the car and kind of apologize or something and I drove away laughing... Like, what a weird end to a date. And of COURSE he has a girlfriend/wife/ex-drama whatever.. I didn't take it too heart, and the story still makes me kinda giggle when I think about it.



And then there's the guy who did the sub-woofer installation. (i've done work with him a couple times)


Anyway he tried to kiss me... tried multiple times to kiss me.. and he tried to lift up my shirt a few times.. and told me about how he wants to make "beautiful, passionate love to me" and told me about how he planned out how we can conduct our affair. (He's married with three kids...)


I feel so... dirty. I didn't do anything with him, but I just feel so guilty and dirty. Like, I have way too many guys with girlfriends/wives who like me.

10:35 am: Yippee!
I can't believe it... I got a 3.812 GPA for this semester!! I only got one B!! I had 17 units... five classes... and I got all A's except for one B! That's fucking incredible.. I was working 40 hours at work (Which was really more like spending 12 hours at work five days a week. The math doesn't add up, but that's because 40 hrs was on the time clock.) and I can't believe i didn't fail everything...

Hot damn!

This week has been a lot of fun.. my long lost cousin is here, and she was with us last weekend. Unfortunately, I had to work while she was staying with us, but I had a lot of fun with her. I ended up meeting up with my family in Sausolito - that place is awesome! We had the memorial for my aunt, and it ended up being really nice. There was a lot of controversy with my family because of my uncle's new girlfriend and everything.. but luckily everything worked out really well in the end for the memorial. I ended up getting kinda tipsy on tequila sunrises and I yelled at my dad. Hehehe.. I think that's funny. My dad was here until Thursday. Other than that I worked a lot.. saving up money and stuff. Uhm I got stood up really really bad yesterday morning, but its okay - I'm over it. The story is too embarrassing to tell ;) This weekend we're leaving to spread my aunt's ashes up the coast. Next weekend this guy who's like my big brother, named Cameron, is going to be back here for a week because his movie made it in to the San Francisco Black Film Festival. I'm so proud of him!

So while school is over, I definitely haven't had any problems keeping busy! I'm still waiting for the opportunity to have free time.

07:28 pm: can you say "SUMMER VACATION"??

HELL YEAH BABY!

time for relaxation... time for tanning... catching up with friends... hell yeah. ;)

11:14 pm: I was really sluggish tonight... It was weird. I was super tired and very scattered at work, even though I had my double shot at the beginning of my shift. But its okay... I made okay money for tonight. Eh...

I need sleep. Gosh I can't wait for school to end!! Then I'll have time. Tonight I decided that I really want to focus on saving money. I wanna move out of my house so bad... So I decided that I want to work a lot, because then I can save up money and move the hell out. I think that's a big part of why I feel so young... I hate it when people ask me how old I am, but what I had more than anything is admitting that I live at home. Not like there's anything wrong with that... but I want my independence and the feeling that I really am my own boss, and I really only have to answer to myself in terms of what I do outside of work. Go home when I want... smoke whenever I want (cigarettes or gangea), bone whenever I want(no more car!! - my legs are getting bruised ;) ), go out whenever I want... So that is my goal. That is what I look forward to more than anything...
That's been a question I've been asking people recently - what is it that you look forward to? I haven't really known the answer to that question for me. So now I know. I want to have my own apartment. I don't want to live with my parents any more. Not like i have any sort of problems with them - I love my parents. They really are my best friends. But that's probably the reason why right there - my parents are my best friends.

Ughh I'm sluggish. Last night I smoked with Matias, one of the bussers from work. It was actually a lot of fun. I can be really weird around different people I smoke with, but this was totally chill. We drove around and got food and listened to music and it was awesome.

I've decided that this last pack of cigarettes I bought is going to be the last I buy for awhile.. I only have one left in the pack.. *sniff* but its for the best.

Before I went and I hung out with Matias, I met up with Mark (another coworker) in the park and he and I talked for awhile.. it was nice, because the owner told me that Mark and I can't talk at work anymore because everything thinks I have a crush on him or something like that, and he's like in his mid thirties, married, with a baby. This really made me sad, because he was one of the few people that I really considered a friend, and not just someone I'm very friendly with. He, Matias, and one other guy at work are the three people there I completely trust. Mark and Matias are the two that I trust not to do anything to hurt me, not only because of the people that they are, but because of a friendship towards me. So it was nice to talk to him... I opened up to him about a lot of stuff, like about different things I've realized about me and different issues I've had recently. So I guess all in all, last night was a good night... from the gangea to the conversations I had with people to the money I had.

And today I'm sluggish...

I'm kind of rambling, because I'm tired. I just ate some ice cream. Yay! I really wanted some Cold stone, but I got out of work too late. Cold stone is like my favorite thing in the world right now. My obsession of the week or whatever..

Lewis Black is the funniest damn person in the world! Now when I drive, I listen to comedians on my iPod.. especially Lewis Black and Chris Rock. Hell yeah.

Anyway, enough rambling.

10:17 pm: So I broke down at work AGAIN and the owner found out so now they're taking it easy on me... lol only two doubles this week.. so its only 7 shifts for the week :-D Now I'm just trying to catch up on HW and rest. I took a nap yesterday that was only supposed to be an hour long.... it turned into three hours. I desperately needed it though.


my stats teacher is soooo fucking cool. that's all i gotta say.




they sould have a mood on here called "randy" i mean, they have something called quixotic. I've never even heard of this word. But randy... that's priceless. I think technically I'm randy right now.. not like I'm horny or anything, but i'd be down for some action. hahahaha But its not like a craving..

Hmm.. now a cigarette.. that's a craving.

11:09 pm: i don't know what i'm gonna do about my stats class... i don't want to drop it...but i don't know when i'm going to be able to do all the catch up, and everything else that needs to be done for the end of the semester...
i need some fucking time to myself.. its like i finally get a moment when i get home and i'm not sleeping and i don't want to work on hw.. you know? like i want a fucking moment to chill. honestly, what i've been trying to work on forever while i'm home is cleaning my room.. like i procrastinate on hw to clean my room. isn't that sad? its not like i even do anything fun..

i'm nearing a break down. the stress level is rising! oh no.

i need more hours in my day

i'm so tired

i pump myself full of caffeine.. i'm a coffee junkie now!..... and i'm smoking cigarettes again.. ~_~

04:24 pm: Tonight I'm going to get drunk and/or stoned with a hot lesbian and a hot bi-sexual girl in a hot tub.

I'll take pictures ;)

12:02 am: i love tequila
yes, yes i do. i just took like.. two shots for the hell of it. i'm kinda bored i guess. and now i feel like the most intelligent person in the world! actually what's kind of ironic is as i was typing that, i started to get more and more clumsy so, like, i guess i'm feeling it more.

i feel more peaceful than anything... wheeeeee!!

oh, and i haven't eaten shit all day really, so it is kinda hitting me more than it should.


hehehe anyway =)...

i worked a whole lot this weekend!! it was crazy.. but it was money, right? i'm saving up a lot recently, which is nice... my cousin brian and his bf know a lot of people in san francisco, and they said that they could get me an appartment there for pretty cheap, so that's really exciting.. i guess i'm just saving up for that more than anything. its like my goal or something. and i spoil myself more now. i like that. i bought myself like 80 dollars worth of shoes, but i figure its okay. i bought stuff from victoria's secret online tonight, and its good because i'm doing it for me, so i know its worth the money.

05:08 pm: ahhh...so this weekend i will be working 8 shifts straight.. from thursday night, to all day friday, saturday, and sunday, to monday morning...


and my manager says that i have to tell the hot guy at work to stop flirting with me.. *sniff*! hahahaha

10:59 am: i broke up with hermes

11:04 pm: man ebay has the craziest shit!! last night i discovered people selling their sisters as a date, or random doodles someone does at work, or the back of their head for a tattoo/billboard. i think there was something like, "name our baby" or something like that.

crazy!!

ughh.. i worked three doubles in a row. ughhh..

good money though

11:35 pm: Today I was summoned for jury duty for the first time. it was okay. I managed to get out because the one of the counts on the guy was he was high on methamphetimines or something, and one of my brothers had gone to jail because he was cooking meth in his garage. so i got out. i would like to be a juror sometime, its just so inconvenient for me now. I had to work tonight at 4. I got a mini promotion, more or less, so I'm going to be at work a LOT more. so i won't have any days off between work and school.. five days of work and 17 units? damn i overdo it.. plus in those five days of work i usually work two or three doubles. ~_~ if the judge had asked me what i did in my free time, i would've said "free time? people have free time?"

but its cool.
i was excited about being summoned for the first time. it made me feel all grown up or something.

i went snow boarding this weekend. i was awesome!! it was cool.. i really had a lot of fun. but my body hurts. and my nose is bright red. only my nose, though. my step dad was calling me "rudolph" and "clown nose" all weekend.

=)

i should post pics sometime.. right now i'm too lazy


OH!! I found the actual binary star CD for $17!! it came in the mail today. that cd (especially an original) usually goes for close to $100, if you can find it that is

01:47 pm: I really like my new job a lot. Salutes kicks ass... I make a lot more money, the clientel is great, the staff is wonderful, and the location is amazing. All in all, I really like working there. I had to work two doubles in a row this weekend during the most beautiful weather we've had in a long time, and i didn't mind too much


Tax returns kick ass. I got a new digital camera and an iPod. Those are the two coolest things i own.. O_O

10:03 pm: wow.. i've actually had good study habits this semester.. that's so awesome! AND it really DOES pay off!!!

12:56 am: wow technically tomorrow is valentines day!! that's crazy...

looks like hermes and i won't be able to spend it together. I have to work that night. but its awesome because i have a new job, and it looks like they'll be cutting my training short and i'll be taking tables that night. can you say good money? hell yeah!!

but its nice to be away from chevys. i'm gonna miss it.. i mean, there was a long while where chevys was my life. i'm going to miss the people.. i'm going to miss the routine of things. but i know its for the best to move on with my life.

anyway.. the new restaurant i work at is awesome. its fine dining italian. kicks ass. sooo much easier. MUCH better money.

hehe well lets look and see how much i've grown up since chevys...

Chevys (Aug 2003)



Salute (Feb 2005)



jeez look how young i was at first.. hahah chevys aged me!!